Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Forbidden Hobby

Holy week was a weeklong general cleaning task for me and my mom. We’re going to attend my granny’s burial this next Tuesday so we’ll be leaving early this coming Monday. The thought was still tentative for us so before anything else we occupied the vacancies of our time cleaning. Bicol is far and we don’t want to be going home with a clutter after the burial.

The completion of our general cleaning ends with an absolute mess. Instead of well-keeping and sprucing the whole house we see ourselves coming out with lots of old things that were kept a long time ago. Some of them are still useful and some are not.

When I’m exhausted I closed the door of my room and sit to write something in my journal. I saw the huge cabinet beside my aparador. (Really huge cabinet and much bigger than my aparador)

Where’s the key?! Where the hell did I put the keys of my sacred cabinet?! Then poofs! It was under the books in the bookshelf. I recall.

How I wish I could post a picture of my room to demonstrate where and how huge I kept my secret things though my room was excretive. It wasn’t fully furnished at all and the walls are running of smirch because it was unpainted. The room was designed due to my stubbornness of having the upper bed in the double deck. But my brother and I should separate rooms so my dad did the design to put the bed near the ceiling for me. It was funny though?!

I open the cabinet and viola! I saw the old me trying to picture how I did a lot of things. I recall going home after school just to lock my room and paint. It was pleasure. A forbidden hobby. My mom really hates to see me concentrating in drawings and stuffs, sculpting and weird pursuit.

I decided to clean up my stuffs alone but my mom insists of helping though I insist of doing it alone with the fear of her seeing my things. I saw the expensive paints and canvasses. Before I haven’t eaten and save all my allowance for books and paints. I’d even work on my classmates and other year level’s project to earn a small amount of money just to add up. Had a part time job in my mom’s office as a clerk and some typing jobs. My mom did even ask me where did my money was spent, I just answer “I eat and new books.”

I saw the canvass. The frames, (special thanks to my dearest high school friend namely Christian, and Mikkie!), some are empty and some does had paintings. (Lot of it! I can’t imagine I kept a lot of it! Huge pile of canvass frames and paints! But where’s the brushes?!)

I posted some of the pictures. Those were taken outside the veranda. Should I call it veranda? Hahaha! I don’t know either! I don’t know what to call it but we call it “labas”.

When my mom saw the clutter inside my room she was I amazed that I kept a lot of dirty stuffs for a long time without her getting mad. She gradually picks up the pieces and put it outside. She ask me If I’ll still be using this, that, or some sort of the other and the other. And I answered “Lets burn it all ma. Isabay natin dun sa ibang gamit at tuyong dahon.”

My mom hesitate to and she put each frames and canvass in the old empty cabinet she putted in the “labas” to make a shelves together with the other clutter. I said “Wait Ma! I feel like blogging about it later. Picture-an ko muna ha!”

After taking a photo of it, I decided to burn all of it. Besides the paints are arid already and the canvass doesn’t look pretty well and haven’t take cared of for a lot of years so the paint run out and the colors faded already cause it doesn’t had laminated coating.

It was quite a morning! Nostalgia. Flash backs! Oh God. Past makes me feel how stupid I am now yet stupider before! Fun way to reminisce. Make fun of life I guess. I took it seriously too much before! I think I should exult and explore than stock with adventurous imagination with paint and brushes. Now’s the time to make it real!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Fully empty.

Cracker-cake-10
My mom and I spent a lot of time together. Given the fact that I stay home and never to go outside without important grounds. Take note of the term "grounds" with "s" to put emphasis to the thought of I needed more subterfuge before giving in my awkwardness to others.

I was writing at my journal, which basically not necessary journal, when my mom asks me to bring soda and crackers. My mom's sensibility was trenchant. She always knows when there was something wrong. Holding two can of soda, namely Coke Zero (No I'm not commercializing besides I'm not an endorser. Haha!), and crackers just to fill the never been satisfied stomach of us, my mom started the convo;

 

MOM: You know people really change, don’t you think so?

ME: Siguro, Bakit Ma?

MOM: PNoy and BIR strikes Arroyo' previous administration again. Porket nababa ang rating ni Noy Noy. Misleading, isn't it? Parang ikaw.

ME: Bakit ako? DI kita inaano dyan ha! (Laughing slightly realizing what I said was jerking her off.)

MOM: Look at you. Hindi ka dating ganyan kaya! You've been or should I say "YOU ARE CHANG.......ING." (Doing her favorite gesture raising two hands and making a qoute.)

ME: Ako? Nagbago ho? Mukhang hindi naman ahhhhh?

MOM: I'm not sure ahh. Siguro dahil namatay si Nanay though bago pa siya mamatay nasabi ko na sayo na nagbago ka diba? Ewan ko lang ha.

ME: Alam mo Ma kahit kelan talaga magulo ka kausap. Hahaha. Bakit mo nasabi?

MOM: Parang ganito---

ME: Mahabang explanation ba yan? Kung mahaba wag mo ng ituloy ma! Please lang.

MOM: Hindi hindi ito mahaba.

ME: Sure ka ha.

MOM: Oo nga. Parang ganito. Hmm... (Long pause which takes 2 minutes) Simulan natin dun sa Before and saka na yung After. 

Me: (muted looking at her pretending to pay attention.)

MOM: Before hindi ka nalabas and you're stuck in the house. Puro ka kain, nood, libro, tulog. Constant routine ba. Nagbabike ka ng Quarter to 5 am o kaya 11pm para walang makakakita sayo. Late ka rin matulog. Minsan nga hindi na. Hindi ka rin nakikinig sa masasamang opinion sayo ng iba. Basta kung ano ka yun lang kahit medyo nakakahiya ka kumain. You never look in the mirror or even comb your hair. Tatalian mo lang then viola yun na yun. Kaya hindi ka conscious sa itsura mo kasi nga diba mahilig ka sa horror movies simula bata pa kaya ayun kamukha mo na sila. You never miss even a single emotion flowing off you by others. I mean pag may napapansin kang emotion either oobserbahan mo o hihintayin mong sabihin sayo. You're the most positive person I'd ever talk to. 

ME: (All my attention diverts into what she says. I don't know why.)

MOM: Obviously positive ka kasi wala ka namang pinoproblema at ang problema ang namomoblema sayo. Ask your friends. Dati din hindi ka nababagot. You love learning. Rebellious ang approach mo at medyo risky. Naalala ko pa nga dati nung nacarnappan tayo sabi mo "Ok lang yan Ma na icredit card mo muna life is about taking the risk and not playing safe". Nung nagkabulutong ka naman ayaw mo sa salamin kasi naiiyak ka pag nakikita mo itsura mo pero sinasabi mo na mawawala din yan. Kahit yung scholarship na nawala sayo dahil dun parang wala lang. Nung una nga akala ko you're keeping all the pain and hatred that one's could have in her life eh. Pwede ding his life. I witnessed you grew. Growing instead. Good thing about you nak ang lakas ng metabolism mo. Kahit problema ime-metabolize mo into reason to be happy. Kaunti lang nakakagawa niyan. Marami pa ngang dumadalaw sayo para makasagap ng good vibes. At kahit ayaw mo ng bisita at abala na halatang halata naman, di ka parin nilulubayan ng mga kaibigan mo kahti hindi gnun kagandahan ang treatment mo sakanila. Hahaha. Kaya siguro ok yung feeling mo kasi sinusulat mo lahat sa journal lahat ng masasamang bagay at sinusunog mo pag new year diba? Nakakarelief nga siguro yung ganun. 

ME: Ako parin ito ma. Ano ba? Ganun pa din naman. Hindi lang ako nakakapag bike kasi nga sira na. Tapos nakakatulog narin ako sa hapon at medyo antukin na ngayon. Tatangkad na kasi ako.

MOM: Walang halong biro nak. I don't know why pero yung changes mo evidently appearing. Naalala mo nung nakaraan? Nung nagkocomputer ako tapos napadaan ka sa salamin then you asked me "Ma hindi ako maganda pero hindi rin naman ako panget diba? Yung mukha ko pang sakto lang. Diba?" That was the weirdest question I'd ever heard from you. Usually kasi yung mga tanong mo eh yung "Bakit yung mga ibon oviparian pero yung pelvic nila di ganun kalaki?" o kaya ganito "Kung mawawala kaya ang ibang mga letra anong mangyayari sa mundo?". Diba? Bigla kang nag care sa itsura mo. Minsan napapansin kitang tahimik pero hindi ka tulala. Kung tulala ka pwede pa kasi lagi ka namang tulala pero yung pag ka tahimik mo was in a weird way. Ngayon hindi ka narin nag pe-pay attention sa mga nararamdaman ng mga tao dito sa bahay. Nag tataka lang ako. Parang pre-occupied palagi utak mo. Which is imposible! Ikaw mag iisip? AWKWARD!! Naalala ko na naging ganyan ka din dati eh. Nung hindi ka naniniwala sa akin na may tao sa loob ng mascot ni jollibee. Kasi gusto mong alamin kay jollibee mismo kung costume lang ba yun kaso nahihiya ka. Ilang araw ka rin parang ganyan noon eh. 6 yrs old ka ata noon. Hahaha. Naalala mo pa yun diba? Ang ginawa mo pa nga eh lumapit ka dun sa mascot tapos sinaktan mo. Kasi hindi mo matanong kasi nga nahihiya ka. Those were the good ones.

ME: Ay naku ma! Kalimutan mo na nga yun. Nakakahiya. Binanatan ko si Jollibee once in my life. HAHAHAHA. Nagbago ba ko?

(I'd finished the crackers alone just by listening to my mom.)

MOM: Oo. Siguro. May gusto kang itanong no?

ME: Medyo. Ma paanong ginagawa mo pag may feeling ka na may tinatago si Papa sayo tapos hindi mo matanong kasi nahihiya ka?

MOM: I settle back. Hindi ko iisipin. May karapatan si Papa mo sa personal life niya. Though dapat talagang sabihin niya sakin lahat hihintayin ko siya mismo.

ME: Pag nagdududa ka ba means wala kang tiwala?

MOM: Depende sa pag dududa.

ME: Paano pong depende?

MOM: May mga mysterious gestures kasi tayo eh diba. Minsan nakakapag duda yung mga kilos. O may mga nararamdaman kang awkward na feeling ng pag dududa. Kapag nagduda ka sa sinabi it means wala kang tiwala. Or either way hindi buo yung paniniwala mo. Pero kung nag duda ka sa nararamdaman o pinaparamdam sayo it doesn't mean na wala ka nang tiwala. May naramdaman ka lang kaya ka nag duda. Pag nag duda ka naman sa kinikilos. It doesn't also mean na wala kang tiwala. May napapansin ka lang na mali. Which may come into na may problema yung tao sa kinikilos niya. Bakit?

ME: Nothing big. Ang weird pala ng feeling na nag dududa noh? Nagdududa ka parang halo halo nararamdaman.

MOM: Meron kang tanong na hindi masabi noh? May mga bagay kang gustong masagot? Anak face the reality. Hindi palaging sa way mo hahampas ang malamig na hangin. Pustahan tayo natatakot ka sa maririnig mong sagot? Sa pag kakakilala ko sayo isa kang batang matanong. Pero pag may hindi ka tinatanong ibig sabihin masyadong malaking risk ang hindi mo kayang isugal. Akala ko ba matapang ka?

ME: Wala naman yun. Hahahaha. Gusto kong alamin pero...

MOM: Pero ano?

ME: Wala po. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

MOM: Ayan nanaman sa wala na yan. Kailan ka ba matututo sabihin ng direkta yung emotions mo? Etong batang toh.

ME: Masaya naman ako ahhh!

MOM: Kaya pala uneasy ka kasi masaya ka. Kinakabahan kang mawala yung happiness mo? Insecurity? Bakit ka maiinsecure. You had most of the "fairly-good-weird" qualities. You’re beautiful anak. You’re beautiful inside, Outside ewan ko lang ha. Haha! Nakakatuwa ka naman ahh. Sinsabi ko to kasi anak kita. Kaya napipilitan akong pagaanin ang loob mo. Kahit hindi ka talaga nakakatuwa. HAHAHAHA Just joking.

ME: Naku Ma. Alas tres na di ka pa natutulog? Matulog ka na nga lang.

MOM: Eh bakit ikaw? Ikaw na ba nanay sating dalawa?

ME: Di po ko makatulog.

MOM: Ako rin kasi kung nakatulog ako malamang tulog na ko.

ME: Ewan sayo ma.

 

My dad said that my mom and I got most of the similarities in attitude.

My mom hits the right tone in my best pitch. She holds me tight when I’m strong and lighten up when I’m weak. She gave me shots to make myself best. Sometimes she’s so reckless in actions especially in words but my mom knows when to say sorry.

How I wish I could be more like her.

I just wish I haven’t felt so numb right now thinking of that question I’m dying to know the answers. Yet I’m coward to ask. I know. I’m not like this before. I’m strong and play the game with no hesitation. I gamble all the risk and laugh after I lose. Now, I’m afraid of betting. I can’t take the risk of losing him. It gives me the idea of fragile side could always be a disease with cure. Prevention is better than cure, definitely. I feel like crying. Awkwardly odd? No. I’m used to it. Someone out there make me feel this way every time.

How could I pass the bottle and leave if I don’t even want to?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

THEGROWTHOFCOMMONLIEIN-HERETOFORE-DAYS.

Simple things thought by complicated mind.

Unpretending life with scruffy girl.

That's me. Stereotypical. A walkover. Plain, quiet and self-explanatory. Uncluttered.

I'm a girl who lives as simple as I wanted to. A girl who never ask for something I couldn't have. 

A girl who's contented with what I thought. A girl with more or less knowledge that anyone.

A girl who smiles at everybody she met or will meet.

A girl who read books alot and imagine adventure with it but never tried some.

A girl whose afraid of trying. A rancor, truant life lived to the fullest.

I do what I want and never do what others told me so.

I'm quite difficult yet so simple. In other words I'm FACILE.

I live with green and brown as a color. Eat with pleasure and satisfaction.

I don't hear people about me. I listen to myself's desire. I never changed.

I guess that was good about me. I remain the same as ever"A stubbord clumsy girl."

I know when to give. Though I don't know how to receive.

I say what's on my mind but I never say what I feel.

Sometimes I do but most of the time I hide. 

I blogged with the reality of metha mesage from my over-flowing emotions.

One thing or should I say the only thing I love about my self was I'm always me.

I am me. I act as me. I'm being me. I'm comfortable with complaints and rejections about being me.

At least I am me. No false actions. I was just me.

I'm capable of hurting anybody. -- in fact I like hurting others and make them get used with the pain.

I got alot of pain though it wasn't hurting me. I'm used to it. So I never experience being hurt or crying just because of someone.

Somebody gave me a hint how love with certainly hurt but I just moved on that easy. Not quite easy as I say.

Not as painful as everybody says about love. I admit it was painful. I spent chit-chatting with him for almost 1yr and 2 or more months.

I guess what really hurts me was not about the love I built on him.

What hurts me is the habitual admiration. It becomes a routine. It never had emotions. Not at all.

We're just having each other to have someone to talk to after a long tiring day.

Someone you could basically call ahmmmm... a companion. There's no love. No emotions too. Pain three.

It hurts, not losing him but the thought of not having someone to talk to or someone to lift up the words to make the pain of living go way little better.

Everything went back and fall into it's places after the agony of having no one was listed.

When one fucking night, there was this guy who drove himself out of the boredom and I don't actually know if it was fate or just a coincidence.

Abrupt thing. I just met him by an instance. No one knows.

Having fun. Talking to him all day long. Making silly conversations. 

Ludicrous thoughts by midnight. Internet buddies huh?

Suddenly. I got up the eagerness to meet him personally.

What motive?! FOR WHAT?!

Maybe I just want to make a better thought of him.

No! Because I want him.

No futher words. It's unexplainable. Everything he spoke was perfectly well.

It's not what I feel from the first love I thougth.

This was not just a simple cling. Not a companion.

It's obsession.

It's wound when he was not there.

And it's heaven when he was.

Oh I'm a brave little girl who can do everything.

It's 5 months and counting.

I become a worthless girl who can't do anything.

Cumbersome.

The pain of losing him all the way.

I've done every part.

Follow every rule. This not me. So not me.

Tears. Fuck it!

It was just like he ripped off my body and loose off my heart.

I was fully empty.

Why is it much painful than I thought.

It was painful. Paroxysm.

I never asked anything. Never did. I just want to be perfect.

But the only thing I love about myself turns out to be the only problem.

I wished I could be just me but I'm not perfect.

It was just only me.

Only me.

Does LOVE ache like this?

Like you're dying. Like you're crying every night and fall asleep then wake up crying again.

I can be perfect.

The first lie.

I never cried.

The second lie.

I'm not hurt.

The third lie.

I'm fine.

The greatest lie.

We're twin soul with no way to be. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

Do you like black and white movies?

Some. HAHAHAH

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

bakit di na kita friend sa fb ??

Kasi nagdeactivate ako. HAHAHAHAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

bakit ?? XD

Bakit ano?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Goodmorning everyone! :)

Good afternoon. :)

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Do you eat your breakfast? :D

I did? I guess so. I woke up late so I don't remember? XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

sa tingin muh..baliw ako oh hindi? :D

Baliw ka talaga.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Valentine's is fast approaching. Who do you want to go with?

Wait. WAIT! I'm a girl! It's odd to answer questions like this! Kimmy you're qwertyuiop!

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

what´s your BIGGEST MISTAKE?

When~ Urgh! I don't know either?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Should marijuana be legalized? :)))))

I don't care?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Do you sing while taking a bath?

HAHAHAHAHHAH XD. Always. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What is your greatest achievement in life?

Lemme think of it after my life has been done. Fine with you?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

:)

:)

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Balik TUMBLR na... Pwede nyo po ba akong i FOLLOW? >> http://leeluv.tumblr.com

Done. :)

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

could you live without sex?

Basically everybody does. Every one could.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Got twitter? Follow me.. :D http://twitter.com/gelcyisthename :)

Done. :)

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

who do you want me to date with this coming valentine's day? :D

Bahala ka kwisi. Buhay mo yan. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

when you start to loose temper.. what are signs?

I can't read books. I hurt the nearest person. But I keep calm as long as I could.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

kung magiging siya ka? sinu sya at bakit?

Ok na ko sa pagiging Monique. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

May plan ka na for valentine's day?

Argh. Urgh. It feels like asdfghjkl!!! XD XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

how long is your patience?

IDK!!!! XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

roses? chocolates? or a kiss?

I'd appreciate roses. A kiss was sweet. Chocolates are sweet for my tummy too.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

do you consider your self as good listener?

Always. That's the least thing I could do. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

how often do you call in a week?

Not at once? IDK

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

how to fly?

Ride a plane.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

how considerate are you?

Sky's the limit. :)

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

do you count to ten when you're mad?

I tried. It won't work for me.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

what's you favorite childhood game?

Scrabble. Word factory? XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Can you remember the first time you fell in love?

I was 4 yrs old. My mom handed me a book. Called "A little Prince" Since then I fell in love with books. Until now books and I were together. HAHAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

how vain are you?

I'm not vain actually. HAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

sa lhat ng makakasagot ng tanung na to: gaano muh ako kakilala?

Ikaw ang taong nagsabi saakin ng "curiosity is a sin" WTF! Edi lahat ng scientist makasalanan?! Kwisi talaga!

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Save Water, Drink Beer.

How I wish. I could XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What’s your favorite movie of all time and why?

Still searching. HAHAHA XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Sana...

  
Download now or listen on posterous
videoplayback_9.mp3 (3820 KB)
Sana pwede kong balikan yung mga araw na masaya pa tayo. Yung kada linggo nakikita kita.

Yung pakiramdam na kahit wala ka nandyan ka lang para sumoporta. 

Yung parang kahit hindi tayo akin ka. Yung pakiramdam na mahal mo ko.

Yung pakiramdam na napakswerte ko kasi nakilala kita.

Yung mga future plans. Yung mga nakakatawang kwentuhan.

Yung mga ngiti mo. Yung mga hawak mo.

Yung pakiramdam na kahit pagalitan ako pag uwi ok lang kasi masaya ko.

Yung may dahilan para gumising. Dahilan para huminga. 

Yung pakiramdam na kahit anong sabihin ko iintindihin mo.

Yung kahit anong ikwento ko papakinggan mo.

Yung uupo lang tayo ng mag katabi.

Kakain ng sabay. Tatawa ng malakas. Maglalakad ng malayong malayo.

Yung titingnan kita. Yung paglalaruan ko yung mga daliri mo.

Yung aayusin ko yung buhok mo.

Yung uuwi ka ng maaga para makausap ako.

Yung excitement pag nakikita kitang online. 

Yung pakiramdam na ligtas ako pag kasama kita.

Ang dami dami kong gustong sabihin. Ang dami kong dahilan para magustuhan ka.

Pero wala akong dahilan para mahalin ka.

Sana nga may dahilan nalang ako para pwede ko ring kalimutan yung dahilan na yun at makalimutan din kita agad.

Sana kaya ko.

Sana.

Masakit kasi yung iparamdam mo sakin na wala akong karapatan.

Na hindi mo ko pinaniniwalaan at pinagkakatiwalaan.

Na mababaw lang tingin mo sa akin.

Masakit yun alam mo ba?

Alam mo bang kahit gano kasakit hindi sumagi sa isip kong palayain ka.

Kaya kahit bitawan mo yung kamay ko pinipilit ko padin hawakan yung iyo. 

Mas masakit kasi pag nawala ka eh.

Mas masakit pag hindi ka akin.

Wala naman talaga akong karapatan di ba?

Pero sana.

Sana.

Sana meron.

Sana tayo.

 

Friday, February 4, 2011

HAPPINESS~

I just bought three new books. Suspense thriller for valentines. I should have get busy to divert my attention. I got short of it.

 

I'm exasperated by the thought of having a cold one. Prevention is better than cure. I knew it. I should be ready for a great heartbreak warfare

 

 

I won't lose the battle anyway. I'll win over him. I'll follow the rules.

 

 As for now I'm SO SO SO Excited for having one of the first JAMES PATTERSON'S Thriller. I'll be finishing it after a week. All of it. :))

 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

BOOK.

 

 

HOW I WISH THAT ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT ARE BOOKS. JUST BOOKS.

 

 

Cause I know I’m still the foolish girl who waits and I’m perfectly aware how fine you are right now. Well, seriously, it still hurts.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

THE DOG

The last Wednesday of January at the year of 2011. I've been seeing this hallucinations and fictional events for almost 3 months since I got this cute dog stuffed toy from an animal site. September 10 last year, specifically, 2010. An unusual animistic site gave me a cute stuffed toy. Counting the history, I must have this dog for almost 5 months. No. Turning 5 months this February 10. I've been working so hard to keep the toy in my hands. Holding it tight. Looking at it every jiffy of 24/7. Talking like it can actually response. I don't know why I'm doing this. It feels like almost having it secured and never gotten away. Beyond my assurance I see it in the peripheral side that any time I might have lose it. And I'm afraid I thought so.

The dog taught me the value of life. Reach for the extreme satisfaction. Pleasure of having it. And the joy that the world could only give to those who deserve it. I'm glad the dog stuffed toy made me feel like I should have continue living. Wanna know what? In every good side lie a bad one. It's not always happy. You cannot play the card by your own wish how the ace will turn. I had this dog and ruin my 17 years of existence.

I cried before and never did it again. But this fucking dog let me see how the hell works on a living. How the evil business touches the end of your nails. He created an enormous letter of death threat. He lie on my bed like nothing but stabbing my head of every silly things that destiny brings. He tear my heart into million of pieces just because I have him. That imbecile stuffed toy wrecked my perfect plan of living. He let everyone see that I'm sinuous and never to be trust cause I'm prejudicial. Raw and rotten thoughts. 

The toy gave me a hug of pleasure in pain. A kiss of contentment in sore. And lastly the love of having a lesion. I always taught of ripping out the dimity of it. Tearing the toy into lot of pieces just like how he made me to be. Burning it until it turn into ashes and leave it with no one. And I never lose an opportunity to do it. But I never had the courage to hurt myself.

Hurting the toy would hurt me. Equality. Losing it  would be like losing my life. And seeing it possess by others would kill me. Amazing toy huh? 

I will hold the toy until I'm breathing. I'll take the pain and sufferings till the end. I'll endure the torment and dolor. I'll disbelief myself just to believe in him. I'll hold the cactus of malady in my whole body. Tribulation. Self penetration. That's easy. It was just like stabbing myself to death. I'll carry the musk of being unloved. I'll write all the good words for him and betray my own. I'll kill myself just make him live his own. I'd cut every fingers that I had just to relegate his doubts of my love. I'll punish myself by the sins that only his mind had created. 

I'll wait until the toy can talk and say to me that "I love you too.". Though everybody knows that a toy couldn't talk. I'll take hundreds of life time just to hear him say that. I'll waste every penny I could have. I'll do everything. I must. And once I say it's impossible. I'll gather every reason to stop and divert it into reasons to stay. I have no idea how much I love the toy that I could even lose my mind.

 

I'll wait until he trust me enough to hold me tight and never let go of my hand but as of now. I'll be holding him. I'll be the one to do so. Knowing the fact that:

 

I JUST BORROWED HIM. AND HE'LL NEVER BE MINE.

 

 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

bakit ang mga bading, hindi naman nanganganak pero dumadami?

I'm not one of them. How would I know?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

bakit may lock sa pinto ng 7/11 convenience store eh 24 hours naman sila open?!

In case of emergency.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

bakit walang bulaklak na kulay GREEN?

Mukha na siyang dahon? HAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Ewan? XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Bakit tinawag na mouse ang mouse ng computer?

Malay?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Sinu ang iniisp mo sa mga oras na ito?

HAHAHAHAH XD. Si... Si.. HAHAHAHAHAHHA XD. Yung mag ttext after kong itype toh. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

bakit square ang katawan ni sponge Bob?

Kasi sponge sya.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Bakit lights, camera, action ang sinasabi pag ngfophotoshoot?

Yun ba? Bakit may action? HAHAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

kung laging lessons learned from mistakes, so mas maraming alam ang ngchecheat?

Oo kasi marami silang mistakes. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Kung winewelcome ang bisita, bakit winewelcome ang pag THANKYOU?

Malay ko?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Bakit welcome ang sinasabi pg may bisita?

Hindi ko alam?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

may mannerism kaba at ano?

Marami. Sobra. HAHAHAH XD Wala naman talaga.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

facebook, twitter, tumblr & formspring? rate from 1-10 :)

Facebook- 4
Twitter-3
Tumblr-1
Formspring-6
Plurk- 10

10 is the highest. HAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

what movie did you last watch?

Acacia.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Did you know that before Owl City, there was Sky Sailing? :)

Oh for real? IDK.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

what do you want to ask from me?? :D put it all!

Next time krisi krisi! XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What if Formspring will end on March 15?

NO! XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Do you think Paramore would be the same without Josh and Zac Farro?

:|

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What about The Breaking Dawn, are you excited in seeing it?

:|

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Who's hotter as a vampire Robert Pattinson or Ian Somerhalder?

Neither? XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

(",..thAnk u p0 xA mgA nAg Add xAqen.. d2 xA f0rmspring,& xA Ate mH0nxie qung f0ll0wer q0..! luv u 0l... ingAtxz... :))

NP. Bhe. ♥

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Bored?

Not quite

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

do you consider yourself stupid sometimes?

Sometimes. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

do you consider yourself a formspring famous? :)

NO.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What do you often do, when you're bored in class?

Nose picking. HAHAHAHAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Why is the world full of "what if?" ?

Because we regret.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Grey or Gray? which one is a color? :)

Gray.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What browser do you use? Google Chrome, Mozilla, Opera, Safari or Internet Explorer?

Chrome and mozilla.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

hi

Hello.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Epic fail. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Puffs.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? :D

Maybe? Cause it will rate the Mar's termos and not the earth's so. It should be call marsquake?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? :D

Green is money. Money is green.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient? :D

They'll transfer the doctor to another E.R. And ask for another doctor to help.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng bag? Yung recycled, yung zest-o ung gamit?

Wala eh.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What do you do when you're surrounded by many people yet you feel so alone?

Eat.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Did you ever get so hurt that you simply couldn't breathe?

Asthmatic ako. HAHAH XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

do you agree on the new zodiac signs and dates?

I don't care.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

What's the best thing that happened to you in 2010?

Installing Idate. And waiting for its patch?

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

did you already eat your lunch?

Awhile ago.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

are you alright?

XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

do you love God?

~

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

buntis ka?AHAHAHA

Oo.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

alam mo minsan para kang dentista, napapanganga ako pag nkkita kita.. XDD good aftie sa lahat ^__^

XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

sabi nila mas ok kumalas kesa maging panakip butas sabi naman ng iba mas OK magpakatanga kasi naipaglalaban nila yung mahal nila pero para saken mas OK mag isa kesa magmahal ng... walang kwenta

Ahhhh. ok.

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Sinung may POSTEROUS?? kung merun ka, follow mo ko... http://leeluv8.posterous.com.. tnx :D

Nasubscribe na kita. :))

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

bebemon!kmusta na?hamisyow!

I miss you more chinchin. ♥

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

naranasan mo na ba ung tipong gusto mo lang matulog ng matulog?

Oo palagi. XD

Asking anything won't kill you basically :)

Pa-subscribe naman ako sa posterous. PLEASE~ eto yugn link oh~ http://joinandaddme.posterous.com/

Pa-subscribe naman ako sa posterous. PLEASE~ eto yugn link oh~ http://joinandaddme.posterous.com/

Answer here

Gesture

Living is a game. Yet living and loving is another story.

There's a thin line separating happiness and sadness.

Just like those boundaries you'd created to define; Living without you or living with you.

 

You know the fact that I'm concealing?

It's just that somebody else thought me to love. Not you,

But that happen far behind before I met my life,

Before I met you.

 

Those are the part of the past.

You wouldn't understand cause you never believe, 

And what hurt the most was,

You never will.

 

Living is waking up trying to brush your teeth with the your laziness.

Loving is gaining money in a hard way and letting someone to hold and spend it for you.

You can never be happy when you'd never been sad,

Maybe that explains it.

 

Knowing and being with you makes me sad,

Sadly, Being sad is what satisfies me.

Pretending that you're mine is painful when you can never be,

Yet I'm trying to hold on.

 

Holding on what we've created was the only reason I live,

It keeps me alive every single hurtful moment.

Crying has no use.

It won't make you trust me.

 

Why do you have to give me tons of reasons to leave you,

with no single reason to stay.

I'm hanging on a thread try to reach your hand but why?

Why can't you see me when I'm right in front of you.

 

I won't say goodbye.Never.

I won't go away.

But atleast let me do it.

Let me stay.