Forbidden Hobby

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Holy week was a weeklong general cleaning task for me and my mom. We’re going to attend my granny’s burial this next Tuesday so we’ll be leaving early this coming Monday. The thought was still tentative for us so before anything else we occupied the vacancies of our time cleaning. Bicol is far and we don’t want to be going home with a clutter after the burial.

The completion of our general cleaning ends with an absolute mess. Instead of well-keeping and sprucing the whole house we see ourselves coming out with lots of old things that were kept a long time ago. Some of them are still useful and some are not.

When I’m exhausted I closed the door of my room and sit to write something in my journal. I saw the huge cabinet beside my aparador. (Really huge cabinet and much bigger than my aparador)

Where’s the key?! Where the hell did I put the keys of my sacred cabinet?! Then poofs! It was under the books in the bookshelf. I recall.

How I wish I could post a picture of my room to demonstrate where and how huge I kept my secret things though my room was excretive. It wasn’t fully furnished at all and the walls are running of smirch because it was unpainted. The room was designed due to my stubbornness of having the upper bed in the double deck. But my brother and I should separate rooms so my dad did the design to put the bed near the ceiling for me. It was funny though?!

I open the cabinet and viola! I saw the old me trying to picture how I did a lot of things. I recall going home after school just to lock my room and paint. It was pleasure. A forbidden hobby. My mom really hates to see me concentrating in drawings and stuffs, sculpting and weird pursuit.

I decided to clean up my stuffs alone but my mom insists of helping though I insist of doing it alone with the fear of her seeing my things. I saw the expensive paints and canvasses. Before I haven’t eaten and save all my allowance for books and paints. I’d even work on my classmates and other year level’s project to earn a small amount of money just to add up. Had a part time job in my mom’s office as a clerk and some typing jobs. My mom did even ask me where did my money was spent, I just answer “I eat and new books.”

I saw the canvass. The frames, (special thanks to my dearest high school friend namely Christian, and Mikkie!), some are empty and some does had paintings. (Lot of it! I can’t imagine I kept a lot of it! Huge pile of canvass frames and paints! But where’s the brushes?!)

I posted some of the pictures. Those were taken outside the veranda. Should I call it veranda? Hahaha! I don’t know either! I don’t know what to call it but we call it “labas”.

When my mom saw the clutter inside my room she was I amazed that I kept a lot of dirty stuffs for a long time without her getting mad. She gradually picks up the pieces and put it outside. She ask me If I’ll still be using this, that, or some sort of the other and the other. And I answered “Lets burn it all ma. Isabay natin dun sa ibang gamit at tuyong dahon.”

My mom hesitate to and she put each frames and canvass in the old empty cabinet she putted in the “labas” to make a shelves together with the other clutter. I said “Wait Ma! I feel like blogging about it later. Picture-an ko muna ha!”

After taking a photo of it, I decided to burn all of it. Besides the paints are arid already and the canvass doesn’t look pretty well and haven’t take cared of for a lot of years so the paint run out and the colors faded already cause it doesn’t had laminated coating.

It was quite a morning! Nostalgia. Flash backs! Oh God. Past makes me feel how stupid I am now yet stupider before! Fun way to reminisce. Make fun of life I guess. I took it seriously too much before! I think I should exult and explore than stock with adventurous imagination with paint and brushes. Now’s the time to make it real!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fully empty.

My mom and I spent a lot of time together. Given the fact that I stay home and never to go outside without important grounds. Take note of the term "grounds" with "s" to put emphasis to the thought of I needed more subterfuge before giving in my awkwardness to others.

I was writing at my journal, which basically not necessary journal, when my mom asks me to bring soda and crackers. My mom's sensibility was trenchant. She always knows when there was something wrong. Holding two can of soda, namely Coke Zero (No I'm not commercializing besides I'm not an endorser. Haha!), and crackers just to fill the never been satisfied stomach of us, my mom started the convo;

 

MOM: You know people really change, don’t you think so?

ME: Siguro, Bakit Ma?

MOM: PNoy and BIR strikes Arroyo' previous administration again. Porket nababa ang rating ni Noy Noy. Misleading, isn't it? Parang ikaw.

ME: Bakit ako? DI kita inaano dyan ha! (Laughing slightly realizing what I said was jerking her off.)

MOM: Look at you. Hindi ka dating ganyan kaya! You've been or should I say "YOU ARE CHANG.......ING." (Doing her favorite gesture raising two hands and making a qoute.)

ME: Ako? Nagbago ho? Mukhang hindi naman ahhhhh?

MOM: I'm not sure ahh. Siguro dahil namatay si Nanay though bago pa siya mamatay nasabi ko na sayo na nagbago ka diba? Ewan ko lang ha.

ME: Alam mo Ma kahit kelan talaga magulo ka kausap. Hahaha. Bakit mo nasabi?

MOM: Parang ganito---

ME: Mahabang explanation ba yan? Kung mahaba wag mo ng ituloy ma! Please lang.

MOM: Hindi hindi ito mahaba.

ME: Sure ka ha.

MOM: Oo nga. Parang ganito. Hmm... (Long pause which takes 2 minutes) Simulan natin dun sa Before and saka na yung After. 

Me: (muted looking at her pretending to pay attention.)

MOM: Before hindi ka nalabas and you're stuck in the house. Puro ka kain, nood, libro, tulog. Constant routine ba. Nagbabike ka ng Quarter to 5 am o kaya 11pm para walang makakakita sayo. Late ka rin matulog. Minsan nga hindi na. Hindi ka rin nakikinig sa masasamang opinion sayo ng iba. Basta kung ano ka yun lang kahit medyo nakakahiya ka kumain. You never look in the mirror or even comb your hair. Tatalian mo lang then viola yun na yun. Kaya hindi ka conscious sa itsura mo kasi nga diba mahilig ka sa horror movies simula bata pa kaya ayun kamukha mo na sila. You never miss even a single emotion flowing off you by others. I mean pag may napapansin kang emotion either oobserbahan mo o hihintayin mong sabihin sayo. You're the most positive person I'd ever talk to. 

ME: (All my attention diverts into what she says. I don't know why.)

MOM: Obviously positive ka kasi wala ka namang pinoproblema at ang problema ang namomoblema sayo. Ask your friends. Dati din hindi ka nababagot. You love learning. Rebellious ang approach mo at medyo risky. Naalala ko pa nga dati nung nacarnappan tayo sabi mo "Ok lang yan Ma na icredit card mo muna life is about taking the risk and not playing safe". Nung nagkabulutong ka naman ayaw mo sa salamin kasi naiiyak ka pag nakikita mo itsura mo pero sinasabi mo na mawawala din yan. Kahit yung scholarship na nawala sayo dahil dun parang wala lang. Nung una nga akala ko you're keeping all the pain and hatred that one's could have in her life eh. Pwede ding his life. I witnessed you grew. Growing instead. Good thing about you nak ang lakas ng metabolism mo. Kahit problema ime-metabolize mo into reason to be happy. Kaunti lang nakakagawa niyan. Marami pa ngang dumadalaw sayo para makasagap ng good vibes. At kahit ayaw mo ng bisita at abala na halatang halata naman, di ka parin nilulubayan ng mga kaibigan mo kahti hindi gnun kagandahan ang treatment mo sakanila. Hahaha. Kaya siguro ok yung feeling mo kasi sinusulat mo lahat sa journal lahat ng masasamang bagay at sinusunog mo pag new year diba? Nakakarelief nga siguro yung ganun. 

ME: Ako parin ito ma. Ano ba? Ganun pa din naman. Hindi lang ako nakakapag bike kasi nga sira na. Tapos nakakatulog narin ako sa hapon at medyo antukin na ngayon. Tatangkad na kasi ako.

MOM: Walang halong biro nak. I don't know why pero yung changes mo evidently appearing. Naalala mo nung nakaraan? Nung nagkocomputer ako tapos napadaan ka sa salamin then you asked me "Ma hindi ako maganda pero hindi rin naman ako panget diba? Yung mukha ko pang sakto lang. Diba?" That was the weirdest question I'd ever heard from you. Usually kasi yung mga tanong mo eh yung "Bakit yung mga ibon oviparian pero yung pelvic nila di ganun kalaki?" o kaya ganito "Kung mawawala kaya ang ibang mga letra anong mangyayari sa mundo?". Diba? Bigla kang nag care sa itsura mo. Minsan napapansin kitang tahimik pero hindi ka tulala. Kung tulala ka pwede pa kasi lagi ka namang tulala pero yung pag ka tahimik mo was in a weird way. Ngayon hindi ka narin nag pe-pay attention sa mga nararamdaman ng mga tao dito sa bahay. Nag tataka lang ako. Parang pre-occupied palagi utak mo. Which is imposible! Ikaw mag iisip? AWKWARD!! Naalala ko na naging ganyan ka din dati eh. Nung hindi ka naniniwala sa akin na may tao sa loob ng mascot ni jollibee. Kasi gusto mong alamin kay jollibee mismo kung costume lang ba yun kaso nahihiya ka. Ilang araw ka rin parang ganyan noon eh. 6 yrs old ka ata noon. Hahaha. Naalala mo pa yun diba? Ang ginawa mo pa nga eh lumapit ka dun sa mascot tapos sinaktan mo. Kasi hindi mo matanong kasi nga nahihiya ka. Those were the good ones.

ME: Ay naku ma! Kalimutan mo na nga yun. Nakakahiya. Binanatan ko si Jollibee once in my life. HAHAHAHA. Nagbago ba ko?

(I'd finished the crackers alone just by listening to my mom.)

MOM: Oo. Siguro. May gusto kang itanong no?

ME: Medyo. Ma paanong ginagawa mo pag may feeling ka na may tinatago si Papa sayo tapos hindi mo matanong kasi nahihiya ka?

MOM: I settle back. Hindi ko iisipin. May karapatan si Papa mo sa personal life niya. Though dapat talagang sabihin niya sakin lahat hihintayin ko siya mismo.

ME: Pag nagdududa ka ba means wala kang tiwala?

MOM: Depende sa pag dududa.

ME: Paano pong depende?

MOM: May mga mysterious gestures kasi tayo eh diba. Minsan nakakapag duda yung mga kilos. O may mga nararamdaman kang awkward na feeling ng pag dududa. Kapag nagduda ka sa sinabi it means wala kang tiwala. Or either way hindi buo yung paniniwala mo. Pero kung nag duda ka sa nararamdaman o pinaparamdam sayo it doesn't mean na wala ka nang tiwala. May naramdaman ka lang kaya ka nag duda. Pag nag duda ka naman sa kinikilos. It doesn't also mean na wala kang tiwala. May napapansin ka lang na mali. Which may come into na may problema yung tao sa kinikilos niya. Bakit?

ME: Nothing big. Ang weird pala ng feeling na nag dududa noh? Nagdududa ka parang halo halo nararamdaman.

MOM: Meron kang tanong na hindi masabi noh? May mga bagay kang gustong masagot? Anak face the reality. Hindi palaging sa way mo hahampas ang malamig na hangin. Pustahan tayo natatakot ka sa maririnig mong sagot? Sa pag kakakilala ko sayo isa kang batang matanong. Pero pag may hindi ka tinatanong ibig sabihin masyadong malaking risk ang hindi mo kayang isugal. Akala ko ba matapang ka?

ME: Wala naman yun. Hahahaha. Gusto kong alamin pero...

MOM: Pero ano?

ME: Wala po. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

MOM: Ayan nanaman sa wala na yan. Kailan ka ba matututo sabihin ng direkta yung emotions mo? Etong batang toh.

ME: Masaya naman ako ahhh!

MOM: Kaya pala uneasy ka kasi masaya ka. Kinakabahan kang mawala yung happiness mo? Insecurity? Bakit ka maiinsecure. You had most of the "fairly-good-weird" qualities. You’re beautiful anak. You’re beautiful inside, Outside ewan ko lang ha. Haha! Nakakatuwa ka naman ahh. Sinsabi ko to kasi anak kita. Kaya napipilitan akong pagaanin ang loob mo. Kahit hindi ka talaga nakakatuwa. HAHAHAHA Just joking.

ME: Naku Ma. Alas tres na di ka pa natutulog? Matulog ka na nga lang.

MOM: Eh bakit ikaw? Ikaw na ba nanay sating dalawa?

ME: Di po ko makatulog.

MOM: Ako rin kasi kung nakatulog ako malamang tulog na ko.

ME: Ewan sayo ma.

 

My dad said that my mom and I got most of the similarities in attitude.

My mom hits the right tone in my best pitch. She holds me tight when I’m strong and lighten up when I’m weak. She gave me shots to make myself best. Sometimes she’s so reckless in actions especially in words but my mom knows when to say sorry.

How I wish I could be more like her.

I just wish I haven’t felt so numb right now thinking of that question I’m dying to know the answers. Yet I’m coward to ask. I know. I’m not like this before. I’m strong and play the game with no hesitation. I gamble all the risk and laugh after I lose. Now, I’m afraid of betting. I can’t take the risk of losing him. It gives me the idea of fragile side could always be a disease with cure. Prevention is better than cure, definitely. I feel like crying. Awkwardly odd? No. I’m used to it. Someone out there make me feel this way every time.

How could I pass the bottle and leave if I don’t even want to?